One of the easiest ways to get an acting job in this town is to have someone recommend you for the part. If an artistic director likes what you do, they’re going to bring you back as often as they can. When a casting director calls and asks about you (and believe me, those calls happen all the time), they’re going to sing your praises. A person’s word goes a long, long way around here, but that’s a street that runs both ways.
You can’t effect whether or not someone likes the way you look. You can’t do a thing about it if your style of acting is not what someone else prefers. The shitstorm of a relationship your director is in the process of ending is completely outside of your ability to control. But you can be pleasant to be around. If you just make it a point to bring your best self to the show every time, you should be fine.
You don’t have to be everybody’s best friend or the life of the dressing room. You don’t have to try that hard. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t try at all. All you have to do is be a reliable, enjoyable compatriot and you’ll make out like a bandit.
Some folks, however, just never seem to learn. When viewed from a distance, these folks are a constant source of amusement. Up close and personal they can make an eight week run feel like a lifetime contract. Ladies and gentlemen… I give you… the Theatrical Tool.
There are various sub-species of the Theatrical Tool, all of them are equally annoying and all ultimately doomed to be relegated to the status of also-rans. Let’s play our game…
- The Diva – A classic stereotype who sincerely believes that he or she is a classic original. These princes and princesses in eternal waiting tend to make the dressing room their private fiefdom, littering every available space with their belongings. They also have a propensity for wasting everyone’s time by forcing the director into marathon, semi-private assurances of their greatness.
- The Gossipmonger – No news is old news with this little treasure. Everybody likes a good story, but this chatterbox is adept at knowing the worst things about everyone in the cast and making sure that everyone else gets in on the fun. Did you, many years ago, have sex with a member of your current cast? The Gossipmonger will be sure to tell your new girlfriend. You’re welcome.
- The Incompetent – Technically, this isn’t a behavior thing, but it’s my web site. Anyway, someone got something wrong somewhere. A call didn’t get returned or a resume was forged or someone thought the director was talking about the other Mordecai Nathaniel Fucksmith. Whatever the reason, you are now contractually bound to play opposite a guy who couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bowl. Take heart. You won’t see him again until you go work with a road company.
- The Angriest Actor in the World – Fuck you, pal.
- The Playbill – Not meaning to interrupt whatever it was you were talking about, but The Playbill has worked with Warren. And you know what? He really is a big sweetheart. Not as big a teddy bear as John, but sweet. Unlike Tom. Man, that guy is focused, but if he doesn’t get his bottled water the way he likes it… look out! Which is funny because Katie is so kind and…
There are others, but I’m getting depressed. My point is, don’t be a Tool. Be yourself. Well… be yourself if you are someone who is thoughtful, professional, and reliable. If you’re not… well hey, you’re an actor. Try it out for a while.
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