Just about every Thursday night, the boys and I get together and play poker in my buddy’s basement. It is the quintessence of masculine bonding, with an occasional intellectual twist. We talk about sex. We boast about or explain away fights we’ve been in. Oprah-like, we discuss the books we’ve been reading. We make fun of each other’s taste in music. And we drink. Man, do we drink. Which would be fine, if we all didn’t have to get up for work in the morning.
In the case of my friends, they have to get up and go to the office. Or the construction site. Or the school (God save our youth). In my case, I have to get up and go out on auditions.
Normally, none of this presents a problem. We’re all adults and generally know how to put the glass down when it’s time. And even if we imbibe a bit too much, we normally head home with enough time to get at least a handful of hours of sleep. We may not be on the top of our game the next day, but we can function.
Normally.
Cut to: three Fridays ago.
When I was finally able to peel my eyes open, I could just make out the clock through the film covering my eyes. Plenty of time. My audition for the new Johnny Depp flick, Public Enemies was at 12:00 PM and it was only… awesome…
I leapt out of bed, scaring the living daylights out of my two sleeping dogs. Reliably, they reacted as they normally do when I’m in a hurry: they dove for my feet and remained underneath them until I managed to make it to the shower.
Alternating between scalding and freezing myself solid due to my inability to muster the fine motor skills required to tune my apartment’s plumbing, I rushed through the process of bathing. It was about this time that I actually started to wake up. Not coincidentally, it was also around this time that I started to feel like I was going to vomit up my lungs.
I managed to keep my insides in, and get my outside covered in something approximating audition-worthy clothes. I gathered my headshots, the sides, my keys and out the door I went. It was not until I reached my van that I remembered that my dogs had not been walked in close to 14 hours. I threw my gear in the car and then, as if leaning into a strong wind, made my way back home.
Having indulged the dogs, I finally piled into my car and set out for Tenner Pascal Rudnicke. I remember two things clearly. First, my van was conspiring against me by putting a marvelous little car-sickness spin on my hangover. Second, I had no idea what my lines were. I rummaged through my bag to find the sides I’d stashed there earlier and split my attention between keeping the van on the road, keeping my stomach in my torso, and keeping the lines in my head.
I found parking and stole into TPR, miraculously on time, and settled onto one of their benches. With an unsteady hand, I filled out the audition form and settled down to squeeze as much of the scene as I could into my shattered brain. A few minutes later, they called me in.
Here are the lines, as written:
Wait, wait…! Hold it! Federal Agent! Department of Justice. Bureau of Investigation! We’re on a federal stakeout! Put that gun down and back those cars out of the alley. But stay close because we may need you.
Here is what I said:
Take One - “Wait, wait….! Hold it! Federal Agents. Bureau of… Department of Justice. Bureau of… I’m sorry. I’m going to try that again.”
Take Two – “Wait, wait…! Hang on! Federal Bureau of Justice. We’re on a stakeout… a federal stakeout! …so put those guns down and… and stick around… here.”
Take Three - “Wait, wait…! Hold on. Federal Agents! Department of Justice. Bureau of Investigation. We’re on a stakeout so… your guns, put them away and move your cars because we might need you.”
And that was as close as I got. Also, all of these takes were delivered with a level of intensity similar to that with which you might read the back of a cereal box. Which was all I could muster.
I was unprepared. I was incapable of concentration. I was embarrassed. I was a mess. They knew it. I knew it. And in a few days, quite rightly, my agent would know it.
What’s the moral of the story? Only go out and get stupid when you are reading for a part for which I am also auditioning.
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